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Movies are banal: here are some reviews

Anna Alegi, Staff Reporter

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Movies are what I like to call dumb. What part of sitting down and watching one thing for two hours or more is appealing to anyone? I’ve learned from experience that people hate watching things with me because they either get stressed because I’m walking around doing things, or because I talk and add better parts to every scene in the movie.

Although I believe this makes the experience far more entertaining, many don’t agree. For these reasons, I have not watched an entire movie in many moons so I have not watched anything reviewed here. Based on my vast knowledge, however, I think they are fairly accurate reviews.

Bird Box
Sandra Bullock is well-known for always bringing a large Amazon box filled to the brim with Bird scooters around. In this movie, she needs to find a nice spot to raise her adopted son so he can finally go to Ole Miss to play football. He has to protect the QB’s blind side but the QB has no eyes so every side is a blindside. That’s a real challenge.

Bandersnatch
Um, well, first issue here: there’s no skip forward. Everyone knows the best way to watch movies is to skippy-skip over all the boring parts and only watch the good stuff so that you are able to watch a two-hour movie in 10 minutes. Then, you can be far more efficient at viewing.
There’s only one option for every question in the film; at many scenes you are given two questions that are essentially the same—reworded. For example: “Would you like to drink water?”, “Would you like to consume H2O through your mouth?”. You get the idea—this thing is way overhyped for what it is. Do better next time, Netflix.

Aquaman
This movie is absurd. He dies after two minutes because humans cannot survive below water (they need air). The rest of the movie is just cinematic shots of his body going through the various stages that drowned bodies go through. The climax of the movie is the cliche when a body finally floats to the surface due to gas build up. Due to the cliche nature of the ending, I don’t exactly recommend you watch this movie.

Bohemian Rhapsody
Rami Malek has gained a cult following based on hacking memes from some of his past works. This film does not come close to anything he’s done in the past mainly because the entire film is him lipsyncing the classic Queen song “Bohemian Rhapsody” on different stages in various outfits. That alone is not awful but the fact that the backing track for the lipsync is consistently one second delayed to the video it is incredibly frustrating to watch. Again, I do not recommend the film.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
I will keep this very short. If you have ever seen any Spider-Man movie ever, you don’t need to watch this. Spoiler: he gets bitten by a spider and now he’s cool. Wow, revolutionary.

A Star is Born
This movie is split into two parts. Part One is where atoms of light elements are squeezed under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion and a star is formed, but be warned, this part takes forever. As in, millions of years.
Part Two is a graphic depiction of Lady Gaga being born from the doctor’s perspective, episiotomy and all. It is truly disgusting and graphic and no one under forty-nine should see it. It was able to achieve its low rating because almost no one makes it through the birth of the actual star at the beginning, so the risk for viewing graphic childbirth is low.

Since the people sent to review the film haven’t finished it yet, this article is the best place to learn about this movie. If you have something important to avoid, just tell your boss that you’ll do it when you finish “A Star Is Born” and boom! You won’t have to do anything for a while.

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Movies are banal: here are some reviews