The OHS Press

Give the geese a chance

A+gaggle+of+Canadian+Geese+enjoy+the+open+Lake+Erie+water+near+the+US+and+Canadian+border+February+16.+There+is+no+ice+in+sight+on+this+Great+Lake+which+is+usually+frozen+during+the+month+of+February.+It+is+only+the+second+time+that+the+lake+has+not+frozen-over+since+records+began+50+years+ago.
A gaggle of Canadian Geese enjoy the open Lake Erie water near the US and Canadian border February 16. There is no ice in sight on this Great Lake which is usually frozen during the month of February. It is only the second time that the lake has not frozen-over since records began 50 years ago.

A gaggle of Canadian Geese enjoy the open Lake Erie water near the US and Canadian border February 16. There is no ice in sight on this Great Lake which is usually frozen during the month of February. It is only the second time that the lake has not frozen-over since records began 50 years ago.

A gaggle of Canadian Geese enjoy the open Lake Erie water near the US and Canadian border February 16. There is no ice in sight on this Great Lake which is usually frozen during the month of February. It is only the second time that the lake has not frozen-over since records began 50 years ago.

Anna Alegi, Staff Reporter

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Just this morning, while walking into school, I witnessed the incredible! Not only did I see my first  two geese of the spring season. I also saw one of them chug an entire bottle of Cuervo into its beak without vomiting! Truly inspirational. As most students know, during the springtime OHS is home to geese who are well known throughout the fowl community as some of the hardest birds in existence. Unfortunately seeing their succulent figures every day comes at a bit of a cost. What’s the cost you ask? Poop.

Some people view geese as pests because of their frequent bowel movements. But if you are one of those people, you should be ashamed of yourself. At one point in time geese were free to defecate all over Okemos until some annoying people decided to come in and gentrify the whole thing. How awful!

While calling geese pests is a distasteful position, I agree it can be slightly irritating to have so much poop on the sidewalks when you’re rolling into school. Fortunately I am here to put a positive spin on the whole ordeal.

It’s no secret that there’s a ton of untapped economic potential in these cylindrical pieces of feces. In a bold move, Canada changed their national currency from the Canadian dollar to the Canadian goose dried poop dollar. Since the geese are able to excrete at a such a rapid rate they have a unique opportunity for currency conversion.

The steps to creating currency are simple for them, as all they have to do is poop and then leave it out on the sidewalk to dry. Once dried they can be put into any Coinstar machine and exchanged for cash. Hopefully, you understand why they choose to poop all over the sidewalks. For the same reason it’s, important to make sure you don’t disturb any droppings you may see because Coinstar only identifies cylindrical pieces as Canadian currency. Basically stepping in goose poop is equivalent to cooking a $100 bill on your George Foreman grill.

With such a plentiful supply of curvaceous geese bodies around the school it can be easy to con yourself into thinking they all have a big crush on you. I advise against this, as geese are only attracted to their own kind and want nothing to do with you unless you have $467.24 Canadian dollar bottle of Herradura Seleccion Suprema Tequila in your hand.

Unfortunately their ample frames can be difficult to deny. If you feel a strong undeniable urge to cry out for one of them, make sure you aren’t doing it disrespectfully because; like people they hate being catcalled. If you absolutely must voice your opinion, stuff a few pieces of their poop in your mouth and then shout. You will be humiliated for your sinful thoughts and they will be spared the annoyance of being catcalled.

So there you have it folks, Geese demand respect because they face many hardships in life. If you feel an annoyance related to their presence you should check your privilege and shut up. Be aware of the changing economy and prepare for spring my friends!

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Give the geese a chance