Black Friday Survival Tips

Pallash Mishra, Staff Reporter

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You may be asking yourself: Why would I need to know Black Friday survival tips? If you have ever been to a Walmart on Black Friday night (I don’t know why you would) you have seen for yourself the horrifying every-man-for-himself show of people.

The following tips I have compiled are the top seven most useful ways to stay alive and still get that deal on Friday.

Let the record show that I’m not asking you to participate in Black Friday whatsoever, I’m just giving you the utensils to survive if you already plan to give into the sin of greed this year.


  1. To get an edge over the other customers, you’ll have to leave extra early. I recommend 12 p.m. Thanksgiving day. I know you will be missing out on Thanksgiving dinner, but it’s worth it as you will also be missing family reunion with Aunt Sally. That’s a fair trade if you ask me.
  2. Bring your customized shopping cart with shovel and pepper spray attachments to deter feral soccer moms holding the newest Nintendo™ console. Contrary to popular belief, the pepper spray is for your own eyes when you catch a glimpse of these rare breeds. Anything is allowed in the name of self-defense.
  3. Toasters.
  4. Bring a buddy to leave behind when the mob catches up. The only criteria for the buddy is that he/she/they must be slower than you. Hint: a full Thanksgiving meal in the stomach usually slows individuals to half of their normal running speed.
  5. Tell the 15-year-old boy working his first shift at Target, “Don’t ******* tell me what I don’t ******* know you son of a ****! I hope you know I **** ****** ****** ****** ***!”
  6. Don’t worry about the 10k you will spend, because at least you will have the world’s largest compendium of CURVED ULTRA 4K t.v. sets.
  7. Realize you probably shouldn’t go Black Friday shopping and stay home to actually enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with your family and friend. Or not.
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