Satire: Clown Craze Captures Country

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Satire: Clown Craze Captures Country

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Gabe Hales, Staff Reporter

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Clowns. What are they? Where did they come from? Why did they suddenly decide to start terrorizing the human race as of the past few months?

To answer these questions we must first take a journey back in time. Let’s start with the origination of the word “clown.” The “clown” character develops out of the Zanni “rustic fool” characters of the early modern Commedia dell’arte, which were directly based on the “rustic fool” characters of ancient Greek and Roman theatre. So let’s first take a leap to ancient Rome. Imagine the architecture! The beauty! Warriors walk the streets and men fight to their death in the coliseums. Let’s walk past those spectacles though and travel to the Roman theater, which created a term for a clown; fossor, literally “digger; labourer.”

The English word clown is first recorded circa 1560 (as clowne, cloyne) in the generic meaning “rustic, boor, peasant.” The origin of the word is uncertain, perhaps from a Scandinavian word cognate with clumsy, but it is in this sense that “clown” is used as the name of fool characters in Shakespeare’s Othello and The Winter’s Tale. The sense of clown as referring to a professional or habitual fool or jester develops soon after 1600, based on Elizabethan characters such as Shakespeare’s. After the take off of the phrase, the rest is history. Literally.

Now, let’s take a closer look at what makes up a clown. What goes into making something so elegantly humorous while also being so strikingly terrifying? After years of research, scientists have finally concluded that the red nose is what makes these creatures have such contrasting feelings. Why you might ask? It seems clowns have the ability to use their clown noses to look deeply into the human soul and find out what truly scares us. They then transmit this information back into their own heads and use it against us. This power combined

with their other makeup makes most clowns invisible to the human eye. However, scientists have noticed that in the past few months clowns haven’t been able to scare enough children to please the Mother-Clown, the absolute ruler of the clowns, would like, so the invisibility is wearing off, thus sparking more sightings and imposing fear upon the population.

Another recent study showed that kids were growing less frightened from our red nosed friends, which in turn gave them less control on bestowing fear. This has made the clowns seek tactics that have never been seen before in modern technology. However, this has occurred once before, and we may need that power to stop it once again.

Have you ever heard of stonehenge? Yes, the sculpture that seems to have “appeared” in northern England sometime between 10,000 and 12,000 years ago. No one has ever figured out why this formation of rocks came to be, until now.


Let’s dive deeper into this theory. Remember how I said that clowns needed power to be able to stay invisible and that as of the past two to three months they have not had enough of this power? Well, in the month of March 2018, they will get more than what they wanted. The clowns will have drawn so much energy from their assorted scares and spooks that the Mother-Clown will be overloaded with pure goof energy, thus causing a tear in the time warp continuum and creating a wormhole that will suck every last clown back in time.

I know what you’re thinking. What is this man going on about? What is goof energy? How does this relate to stonehenge? First off, goof energy directly correlates with the clowns ability to create gaf sustainability. In human terms, this is what is produced when clowns entertain children,

whether it be goofing or spooking. Gaf sustainability is translated into goof energy thus creating the Goof-Gaf theorem. This is transported from each clowns nose at the end of the night to the Mother-Clown. In March 2018 this energy will be so great that it will cause a hole to form in space teleporting the clowns back in time.

This caused mass hysteria and ended in the destruction of 90 percent of the earth’s population. They were finally able to destroy these clowns by gathering the good-gaf energy from the Mother-Clown and imploding in on itself and causing the clowns that surrounded it to turn to stone, thus creating stonehenge. Now, if we let the clowns continue on their path, this will happen again today, causing a mass extinction of the population. We need to stop this.

As of now, the clowns are harmless. However, slowly but surely they will get violent. Killings will start, slowly at first until every time a sighting is reported the victim will be murdered. This will occur until everyone is dead and the only thing we can do is fight the clown leader and make her kill her and her children before she can create the wormhole. This should eliminate the existence of clowns all together and reverse the effects of the mass extinction. This could also cause a time paradox which could throw us into a never ending loop until we are inevitably sucked into a black hole, but we won’t discuss that.

Now if you’re wondering what can be done to defeat this clown overlord, you’ve come to the right article. First we must ignore all appearances of clowns. Stop showing them on the news, stop sending texts to your friends about them, stop taking pictures and videos, just drive by like its nothing because as of now they can’t do anything. If this is done regularly and correctly, the clowns should completely disappear because the power level of the Mother-Clown will be so low

that even she cannot control her minions. This will cause her to try and have one final burst of energy. This will make it so all clowns will be on extreme spook ability. During this period every clown nose will light up so you will know. DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM OR THE PLAN WILL FAIL. Even one person being frightened or showing fear with one of these clowns in this stage will give them enough power to fight back thus starting the cycle over again.

If done correctly the clowns should try and go invisible one more time but, this will end up partially destroying their gaf particles and causing them to be teleported back to Clown Town which is located in the center of the Andromeda Galaxy. After this occurs, all victims will be returned and clowns will be alleviated from existence for the rest of time.

I hope this piece of writing served you well.

Good luck to you all.

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