The OHS Press

Satire: Four fun things to do over Thanksgiving break

Liz Mack, Staff Reporter

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Thanksgiving is among us and you need to be ready. Whether it be dodging awkward questions, avoiding cranberry sauce, or learning the latest tactics for trampling Black Friday mallgoers: this article covers it.

-Learn New Techniques for Dodging Family Members’ Personal Questions

Uncle Bill and Aunt Sally are going to bombard you with questions, so prepare beforehand. A great technique I have discovered throughout my uphill battle of family gathering after family gathering, is the simple “I don’t know.” Anytime you sense Uncle Bill beginning to open his mouth, and you will know by the smell of beer in the air, yell “I don’t know” and wait until he gets uncomfortable enough to walk away. Works like a charm, and sometimes relatives will even talk about your awkwardness with other family members so are able to dodge even more questions.

 

-See how many people you can trample on your way into the mall to buy things that really are not that discounted

Who even cares about Thanksgiving? Black Friday is what we really should be celebrating. Put down the turkey and pick up a club and head to a local mall. As soon as one gets to the sacred shopping center, they should prepare for battle. Eager shoppers should trample and beat any other shoppers they come across, otherwise they will not get five dollars off the Wii they will play once every eight months.

-Beat last year’s record of how much food you can give the dog under the table at Thanksgiving dinner

Everyone knows that dogs are living, breathing recycling bins. When your stomach is about to burst from garlic mashed potatoes and cornbread stuffing, look for relief no further than under the table. Fido will be sitting right there, waiting for the scraps one can so graciously toss him.

Explore the liquid disgust we know as canned cranberry sauce

Unidentifiable balls in sauce resembling blood, all contained inside a silver can produced by an illegal immigrant for $2 an hour under the table. Canned cranberry sauce is easily the worst part of Thanksgiving, but The OHS Press has discovered an alternative use for the liquid disgust. Make a canned cranberry sauce facial: antioxidants will pleasure your skin and give it that yummy cranberry glow.

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Satire: Four fun things to do over Thanksgiving break